If I had a dime for every time I heard the infamous phrase "because I said so" during my adolescent years, I would have accumulated quite a stash.
I grew up in a single-parent household with a strong mother whose approach to parenting often reflected what psychologists describe as the authoritarian parenting style. Expectations were clear, rules were rules, and questioning those rules was not always welcomed. As a teenager seeking greater independence, you can imagine that this sometimes made for an interesting mother-daughter dynamic.
Yet parenting is about much more than rules and discipline. The relationship established between a parent and child can influence emotional development, self-esteem, independence, relationships with others, and the way a child learns to navigate the world.
Psychologists generally describe parenting through several broad approaches. Authoritative parents combine warmth and involvement with reasonable expectations, structure, explanations, and age-appropriate independence. Authoritarian parents tend to emphasize obedience and parental authority, often allowing considerably less negotiation or autonomy. Permissive parenting offers greater freedom but may lack the consistent boundaries and expectations children need.
Research has generally associated authoritative parenting with positive developmental outcomes because children receive something important from both sides of the equation: love and structure. They know that boundaries exist, but they are also given opportunities to develop their own judgment, independence, and sense of responsibility.
Culture, family circumstances, parental personality, the temperament of the child, and available support can all influence how parenting actually looks inside a home. Parenting therefore cannot always be understood through a single label.
Looking back at my own childhood and adolescence has given me greater perspective.
My mother's parenting style sometimes felt rigid to the teenage version of me. There were certainly moments when I desired more independence, explanation, and room to make decisions for myself. Yet adulthood has allowed me to recognize something my adolescent mind couldn't fully appreciate: some of those boundaries protected me.
There were times when peers attempted to persuade me to participate in things I had no business doing. I didn't need my mother physically standing beside me. I could picture her face, hear her expectations, and know exactly what awaited me if I crossed certain boundaries.
That was sometimes enough.
Would I suggest that every parent simply adopt a "because I said so" philosophy? No. Healthy parenting requires more than authority. Children benefit from affection, communication, consistency, reasonable boundaries, opportunities for independence, and parents who are willing to explain the values behind their expectations.
But I've also learned that reflection allows us to hold two truths simultaneously.
I can acknowledge aspects of my upbringing that were difficult and appreciate what my mother was trying to accomplish.
I can recognize places where our relationship struggled and celebrate the relationship we have today.
And I can understand that parenting is rarely about executing a perfect formula. It is about raising children with enough love to nurture them, enough structure to guide them, and enough wisdom to gradually prepare them to make healthy decisions when their parents are no longer standing beside them.
My mother and I may not have had the easiest mother-daughter relationship during that season of my development, but adulthood gave me the perspective to recognize how many undesirable situations her parenting helped steer me away from.
Still... I really wish I had started a "Because I Said So" jar.